JACOB REES-MOGG needs to join the 21st century if he wants to get his message across to young voters.
That’s the verdict of rapper Big Bad Spray after it was revealed the old fashioned politician has issued a list of strict grammar rules to staff following his appointment as Leader of the House of Commons.
His team have been instructed to refer to “non-titled males’ as “esquire”, to always use feet and inches, not metres, never follow “and” with a comma and to put double spaces after full stops.
The MP has also banned words including “hopefully”, “ongoing”, “unacceptable” and “ascertain”.
Big Bad Spray, previously known as Young Spray, gave The Sun on Sunday a lesson in turning round the Tory MP’s “ancient” email orders to make his language modern and relevant to youngsters.
Above we give an example of how Rees-Mogg might write to Opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn — and the rapper brings the words up to date by translating it into today’s youth language.
Londoner Big Bad Spray, who was behind grime hits including Amen, featuring Skepta, said: “I had never heard of Jacob Rees-Mogg to be honest, but now I’ve Googled him I can say he looks like the type of guy that might get robbed if he walked around my area.
Jacob should refer to his friends as his ‘man dem’ as that means his crew
Big Bad Spray
“He is going to have a big problem if he wants to start ‘chatting’ with ordinary people like me.
“His rules show he is in love with an ancient language, which is all good, but kids on the street will have no idea what he is talking about.
“His staff would be better off putting ‘blood’ or ‘bredrin’ after people’s names rather than ‘esquire’ if he wants to talk to voters from my area. I would also advise him to put ‘innit’ at the end of his sentences for added emphasis.
“And he might want to throw in the odd ‘lol’, which means laugh out loud btw, Jacob.”
Big Bad Spray, real name Leon Rivere, 37, added: “When I write now it’s mainly by text message so we type the fewest words possible. Kids will spell ‘when’ as ‘wen’ to keep it quick. We write ‘dat’ instead of ‘that’, ‘dem’ in place of ‘them’ and ‘ting’ instead of ‘thing’.
BORIS IS HIS ‘BRUDDA’
“And we use emojis to cut out the need for words altogether. Jacob should refer to his friends as his ‘man dem’ as that means his crew. He is part of the ‘Brexit man dem’.
“We say ‘cotchin’ when we mean ‘hanging out’ and ‘brudda’ instead of brother or friend, so Boris Johnson is now Jacob’s brudda as they have ‘bucked up’ together in the Cabinet.
I start my messages with ‘What’s poppin?’ or ‘Wha-gwarn?’ which is short for, ‘What’s going on?’ I write ‘violated’ if someone’s disrespected me, so his staff can use that when referring to Jeremy Corbyn.
“Kids talk a lot about ‘ops’ which means enemies, so Jacob can write ‘ops’ when he is referring to Remainers like Labour ‘OG’ (original gangster) Tom Watson. ‘G’ is a mark of respect, so his staff should write ‘My G’ instead of esquire.
“Going through the words he’s banned, I recommend he writes ‘long ting’ instead of ‘ongoing’ and ‘dead’ instead of ‘unacceptable’. Ascertain is ‘got that’.
“My mum was a primary school teacher in Leyton, so I can understand some of what he says, like not using a comma after the word ‘and’. I do that from time to time, but I always feel bad about it.
“Saying people should write ‘esquire’ after a name is just weird. Esquire for me has always been a magazine.”