'It's a mystery how bare-faced Boris Johnson keeps getting away with everything'


One type of show growing in popularity is documentaries about mysteries, such as sightings of spaceships, or people who vanished.

So someone should make one about the biggest mystery of our times – how Boris Johnson manages to sodding get away with it.

Imagine if Jeremy Corbyn had become Prime Minister and £100,000 of public money went to a woman he’d had sex with on his settee, while his wife was away.

Iain Duncan-Smith would propose in parliament that a tactical nuclear strike was carried out on the spring onion patch on his allotment.

The Daily Telegraph would say: “In order to maintain that our nation upholds the rule of public decency, it is imperative that Mr Corbyn is smothered in beef fat and made to run naked through an industrial estate, strapped to the settee while chased by a pack of wild dogs, then Jacob Rees-Mogg sips sherry to the celebratory tones of a bugle to rejoice at his capture.”



Jeremy Corbyn
Jeremy Corbyn

The head of the Civil Service would tell us Corbyn had breached the code on International Furniture Fornification, so renounced his right to be human and must now be classified as an amphibian, and made to live on a lily in the New Forest.

The Chief Executive of the Settee Society would be on television every day, declaring Corbyn had offended settees deeply.

Indeed he personally knew hundreds of them that were now terrified to leave the DFS warehouse.

The settee on which the act took place would be placed in a glass called the “Box of Evil” and people would be charged £20 to queue up and see it from a distance, with signs on the wall warning no one should go too close as it was so toxic, you could catch Corbynity off it, which would make you forget to sing National Anthems and make promises to nationalise things without costing them properly.

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Instead, most of the British media ignored completely that the Prime Minister was accused of using his position of Mayor of London to fund the project of a woman he fancied.



Boris Johnson
Boris Johnson

And if they had to report it, they’d probably say “Bonky Boris as randy as an Easter bunny’”and he’d go up 2% in the polls.

In the same way, imagine if Corbyn had wasted £23billion on a useless Test and Trace system.

The Daily Mail would demand: “Corbyn must be made to grow £23billion worth of marrows and give them all away to pay off his debt.”



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By the time the number of Covid casualties passed nine, Michael Gove would have demanded the entire Labour government was arrested for murder, as he had evidence that Corbyn once met the virus, speaking with it at a rally in 1987 for Virus rights.

But Boris Johnson gets away with it. Indeed, many people blame Jennifer Arcuri, the woman who was awarded public money.

Some have suggested she should have to pay the money back but I’d say it was fairer if she was awarded another £126,00 in compensation for having to spend four years with Boris Johnson.





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